A not so funny joke

The Math Test

A foreigner with an accent wants a job as a construction worker, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The foreigner says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.



'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the foreigner.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The foreigner stares off into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go,' he says.



The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this foreigner, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.'

The foreigner stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'



The foreman looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The foreigner leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.'

'So, ven do I start?'

Jesus is watching you

My mom gave this to me the other day. You may or may not have seen it before or may have seen a variation on it. Still, I chuckled when I read it:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables to steal. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darkness saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and promised himself a long vacation after his next big score. Clicking his flashlight back on, the burglar began to to search for more goodies. As he pulled out the stereo to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell be heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Totally rattled, the burglar shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes" the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"

"Moses", the bird replied.

The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus!"

Have you heard this joke?

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,
about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny
piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing
a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's
a gust of smoke, and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one Wish.
Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says,
"Y'know, I think your Genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man,

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"