How do you do it?
Ok, I'm looking for a bit of advice tonight and perhaps you all can help me.
Here's the situation:
Today at work I was chatting with two of my female co-workers and during the course of the conversation I was asked who I would date between two other female co-workers and why or why not. I gave reasons why I would not date one and would date the other. And I, totally unintended, gave it away that I am attracted to one of them. The one I have an attraction for currently has a boyfriend, which is unfortunate for me.
So the question is this: how do I casually and tactfully ask the one I'm attracted to if she'd like to go out socially sometime without giving it away that I'm attracted to her? Or should I not even bother, respecting the fact that she's dating someone else? Not to mention that she's more than ten years younger than I am....
And to confuse me further, there are subtle things that she does that could be read as "I have an attraction for you also" signs but just could be coincidence and I could very well be reading these signals all wrong..
Believe it or not, I can be extremely shy at times around women and am sometimes shamefully quite clueless, especially since I have not dated anyone since my divorce was finalized. Actually, I have not "dated" anyone since before I got engaged to ex in 1992, seeing as how you technically don't date your fiancee/ spouse/ partner/ person.
posted by Tim @ 23:57
9 Comments:
She is fair game, go for it Green!
I disagree, she isn't fair game, if she has a boyfriend you need to respect that, put yourself in his shoes.
I had a boyfriend, but we broke up because I didn't feel like getting serious, he and I are still friends, actually he is like my best friend. I consider myself fair game and have made it clear to the exbf/now best friend that I'm not sure what the future holds for me as far as relationships are concerned, I'm not discounting him, but I'm also not putting all my eggs in one basket.
If you like this woman green (10 years isn't that big of a deal) you should be open and honest with her, tell her if she didn't have a boyfriend or if she ever decided to get rid of him you would like to get to know her or take her out sometime. Then conduct yourself in an honorable manner around her, be respectful and refrain from any romantic inuendos. My advice to you for what it's worth.
If this lady is just dating, with no promises or commitments, then I feel you have a good case to present. BUT...you have to ask her to find out.
Not to mention, why did these two co-workers bring this up in the first place? Coincidence? I doubt it. Maybe it's all engineered to let YOU know she might be interested in YOU. Maybe.
But you have to ask to find out.
Good luck!
bluez: if only it were that easy...
priscilla: I DO respect that she has a boyfriend, which is one reason why I'm asking for advice.
Actually, thanks to a program I have, the actual age difference betwen she and I is 12 years 3 months and 17 days.
I like your suggestion, though.
I always strive to be courteous, respectful and attempt to conduct myself honorably, and I'm actually way too shy to begin with to use any inappropriate sexual innuendos.
dabich: well she's not engaged - this much I know. As to her present relationship I have no clue where it stands regarding seriousness.
I don't actually know why these two brought up the subject in the first place - but I certainly will ask them tomorrow - though I'm not reading into anything one way or another.
cr: well we work together sometimes becasue it's an extremely small company. but we each have our own responsibilities, so it would hardly be (I wouldn't think) a stressful situation. Two of the people who work at my company are married and one of them is a notch below the owner on the organizational chart and I've not seen any conflicts arise in their case.
I'm not sure where she and present bf stand in the seriousness issue but they don't live together. His job is in another part of MA and not conveniently close to where she lives or where we work.
I'd think if they were really serious, that one would move closer to the other (or in together, since these days that seems to be the norm) and I've heard that she eventually wants to move back to their home state to be closer to her family but he likes living in MA.
No ring=fair game (in my age bracket LOL)
I think I'd try (somehow) to find out just how serious the relationship she has is before doing anything. If she ever breaks up with the guy you don't want her thinking of you as the guy that put her in an awkward situation by asking her out - even as an initially platonic thing.
Once you find out ... and HOPEFULLY the thing she has is more casual ... which would make the following ok... ask her out for coffee or to lunch or to a book store event or something pretty tame. Make sure you can tie it into a common interest (to talk about X or to attend something you know you'll both like but will allow you to talk). Not dinner. Not a movie. Not anything romantic at that point. That way you can see if there is any chemistry before you show all your cards... Protect yourself, protect her. Ok, now I sound like I'm talking about safe sex... egads... sorry... ramblesome this evening... but I do mean well... xoS
"I'd think if they were really serious, that one would move closer to the other (or in together, since these days that seems to be the norm)"
Yes, because back in the good old days when we were a 'christian nation', that never happened.
AAIM: LOL!!! Ahhh yes, living in sin... xoS
yeah green, why would you be interested on someone who is potentially shacking up with someone? you can call it living in sin, fornication whatever...aren't there any nice decent girls at your church with some values that you can ask out? Remember, looks aren't everything...
any way, follow up on this, what happened, did you talk to her, ask her out what?
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