"So Let it Be Written... So Let it Be Done"

The life and times of a real, down to earth, nice guy. A relocated New Englander formerly living somewhere north of Boston, but now soaking up the bright sun of southwestern central Florida (aka The Gulf Coast). Welcome to my blog world. Please leave it as clean as it was before you came. Thanks for visiting, BTW please leave a relevant comment so I know you were here. No blog spam, please. (c) MMV-MMXV Court Jester Productions & Bamford Communications

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

"Relax... and don't forget to breathe, OK?"



That is what the nurse said to me this morning as she prepped me for the "quick" procedure of removing the stent from inside my body. This stent, you'll recall, was inserted into the passageway between my kidney and bladder during the surgery I had last week.

I had been dreading this day since last week, but also was looking forward to it as well. Dreading it because I knew I would be awake when the doctor pulled the stent out. Looking forward to it so I could rid myself of this constant overwhelming urge to pee.

When they called me into the room that the procedure would be performed in, I shuddered. It seemed like a mini-operating room. The nurse had me sit down on a chair while she gave me an antibiotic and asked me some questions, including did I have to pee. I said no, thanks. Then she had me sign a form giving the doctor permission to perform this procedure. I readily and happily signed it.

She instructed me to remove all of my clothing from the waist down, save for my socks, and lie on the table *pointing to the table*, then to cover my mid-section with what looked like a large piece of two-ply toilet paper. She would come back in a few minutes to "prep" me, she said.

All the "prep" in the world would not - could never, have prepared me or will do justice to what followed.

As I lie on the semi cold table (was the table REALLY cold, or was I just freezin' from being nekkid from the waist down with such a flimsy thing covering me???) waiting for the nurse to arrive, I'm thinking, OK, I can do this no problem. Next thing I know she's come in the room, all business-like, removed my toilet paper and added a few more layers but with strategically placed holes in the middle of them.

Then she instructed me to put my hands behind my head so she could create "a sterile environment" by swabbing my _ with some orange goo and attaching some clippy thing to it. Then she pumps me full of some local anesthetic (WAY too little in my estimation) which she cheerily tells me I'll be glad I have. I naively nod and say OK, still not knowing the horror ahead.

She tells me that she'll be back in five minutes with the doctor so they can do the deed. Five minutes never lasted so long. Actually it turned out to be, I think, 20 minutes, as there was someone or something else the doctor had to see to first. Anyway, it seemed like forever.

While I'm waiting with nothing to do, hands behind my head, freezing my you know what off, I'm thinking: "Did they forget about me?" and "Am I ever going to get out of here alive?" and feeling like I REALLY did need to pee, now. But I couldn't get up to do so and probably wouldn't have been able to if I did. So I just lie there, with these thougts swirling around in my head and that sensation that I had to go.

FINALLY, the doctor and nurse reentered the room, apologizing for the delay, saying it was unavoidable. After some small talk the doctor did whatever he needed to do with his instrument thingy, inserting it inside my _.

The nurse reminded me to not forget about breathing, after which the doctor immediately said, "Are you ready?" as his arm, instrument in hand, came wooshing back behind his head.

WHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

The longest thirty seconds, minute (whatever) of pure pain and undescribable feeling followed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

"See, we're all done, now. That wasn't so bad, was it?" said the doctor as an evil grin took over his face. He put down his tool and headed for the door. On to the next victim, I thought.

I smiled (I think), said thank you and turned my attention to the nurse who unclipped the thingy from my _ and wiped it and that with two moist cloths. Then she had me sit up and showed me the stent which she pulled from the trash can, so I could see what it looked like. Then she dropped it back into the trash can and pointed to the toilet, suggesting strongly that I try to pee. Then she said I could get dressed and leave. No one would bother me and I could take as much time as I liked.

"Wonderful." was the only intelligent thing I could think of to say, and I mumbled it out loud as she closed the door behind her.

As I sat on the hopper, willing myself to pee in an area I could still not feel nor control, I noticed a box of white rubber gloves in a rack on the wall two feet in front of me. There were other things in the rack of course, but seeing the gloves got me thinking...

Ladies, I can probably say with authority that the sensation of this all would be entirely different for you, but none the less traumatic to be sure.

Guys, do you want to know what it felt like?

No?

Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway, since it's my blog and you've read this far...

Picture a little white and blue rubber snake, 14 1/4" long by 1/16" wide, with curls on either end suddenly and forcefully being whipped out of a tube not much larger than the width of the snake itself. At the same time, picture this tube attached to your body, with all of the nerves alive, well and functioning properly.

As for the sensation, well, let's just say I'll leave THAT up to your imagination.

My advice: Do what I'm now going to do, which would be drink lots of water to flush your body and prevent yourself (myself) from having to go through this (again).

After I left the medical building, it was about 10:30. I had been there for almost two hours. The next three hours was pure hell for me, as I felt the need to glue myself to the toilet for the rest of the day, because I still felt the pain, pressure and need to pee but felt like I couldn't control it. (Fortunately I did but it didn't feel that way at the time.)

But I muttered through it, doing some errands in between going back to my apartment for lunch, so I could go home and feel squidgy in private for the rest of the day. Which I did and was.

And that was how my morning went.

What was my brilliant thought, you ask? Well, see for yourself.



No, I'm not keeping it as a souvenir. That would be gross, never mind extremely unsanitary. Photographic proof is all I need to go along with the memories...

Trust me on this, ok?

21 Comments:

At 16 November, 2005 02:39, Blogger An American in Melbourne said...

"swabbing my _ with some orange goo

the doctor did whatever he needed to do with his instrument thingy, inserting it inside my _.

smiled (I think), said thank you and turned my attention to the nurse who unclipped the thingy from my _"

you seem to have trouble with a particular word here.

I'm glad the whole process is finished and you made it through fine.

 
At 16 November, 2005 05:32, Blogger DaBich said...

YIKES! I'm sorry you had to go thru that Green. That had to be excruciating! Glad it's over for you!
American...why say the word when you know perfectly well what it is? Green is trying to be discreet. :)

 
At 16 November, 2005 08:03, Blogger Zepplinlady said...

My poor green. Even though I'm a woman, I feel your pain especially with the description of the procedure you shared with us. The visual alone is painful...

I'm so glad that this is over for you. Look at the bright side:

Atleast this experience has given you some healthy information....Drink lots of water on a daily basis to keep your system well flushed.

Drinking water...such a simple task to keep a person healthy. I started drinking more when I learned of your condition.

Thanks for sharing this. You're probably helping alot of people by doing so.....

 
At 16 November, 2005 09:35, Blogger green said...

american guy: Yes, I made it through in one piece, relatively speaking. I'm glad it's over, too.

Yes, I left out that word purposely. You knew what I was referring to though, so the imagery worked.

dabich: Me too. But rather that than deal with the constant pain from before. I'm wiser for the experience, though.

zepplinlady: If my descriptions of this whole thing can help even one person avoid having a kidney stone, then my experience was worth it. I wouldn't wish this (or any medical problem requiring surgery and "procedures" like this) on anyone.

---

Thouugh I must say, from a detached point of view, that the stent is rather neat looking. I'm even more amazed at the advances of modern medicine more than ever. People used to die from kidney stones because doctors just didn't have the medical knowledge. And they as recently as 20 years ago would have had to cut me open to physically remove the stone, which would have required a much longer recovery time.

 
At 16 November, 2005 11:43, Blogger Bluez628 said...

Sheeze that sounds more uncomfortable than watching a redsox game in October.

Seriously, glad its done and over with and yer on the mend.

 
At 16 November, 2005 11:57, Blogger Nunzia said...

wow... I know how hard it can be to go through such a painful procedure. I'm so happy that you made it through that -- and so gracefully! God Bless you!

 
At 16 November, 2005 14:30, Blogger ~Deb said...

I even felt your pain--and I'm a woman! Ugh--what you had to go through. The worse is the waiting part too....

I hope you're feeling better...

 
At 16 November, 2005 17:23, Blogger scribe said...

sorry, I couldn't fiish reading this.

 
At 16 November, 2005 17:26, Blogger green said...

Couldn't handle it, huh?

And to think I was waiting for a wise-guy comment from you.

Disappointing

 
At 16 November, 2005 19:02, Blogger scribe said...

Sorry, no. I feel for ya too much.

 
At 16 November, 2005 19:06, Blogger green said...

Did you at least see the cool picture at the bottom of the post??

 
At 16 November, 2005 20:10, Blogger scribe said...

My friend,

There is nothing even rmeotely "Cool" about that pciture!!!

 
At 16 November, 2005 20:15, Blogger Carla said...

OUCH!! Sounds painful! At least now you have some perspective: preventative maintenance is always less painful no matter WHAT they say!@

Us women readers need a few more details: While you were laying there, waiting, what was going through your mind? Was it worse that you thought? What did the nurse look like? Did she have cold hands? ;o]

On a lighter note:
Its a good thing that men do not give birth! Otherwise, stories like this prove the human race would soon be extinct.... :o)

 
At 16 November, 2005 20:52, Blogger green said...

What was going through my mind while waiting?
Just what I wrote in the post:

"Did they forget about me?"
"Am I ever going to get out of here alive?"
“I think I need to pee”

I can't recall thinking anything else.

Was it worse than I thought?

Having no frame of reference to base it on I can’t really say. I didn’t think it would be a pleasant experience though.

What did the nurse look like?

She was a married older woman. Was she attractive? To me? Not really. Was she ugly? No.

Were her hands cold?

Considering how cold I was down there, I can’t really say if her hands were cold or not.
I will say I was a little embarrassed to have a woman whom I was not involved in a relationship with, handle me in that area. Though she was very detached, professional and business-like during the whole process.

It would have been worse (or better!!!) for me, I suppose, if the nurse were a younger, more attractive woman.

Regarding men giving birth:

Having watched my ex give birth to both of my kids, I can say you’re probably right. I’m SO glad the responsibility for bearing children is a woman’s job. You all can have it!!! I’ll be there to support you, but I don’t want to be in your position, thanks.

 
At 16 November, 2005 21:26, Blogger Carla said...

My deepest apologies. I must have been reading too fast. Power reading... sheesh.

:o)

 
At 16 November, 2005 21:36, Blogger green said...

no worries.

 
At 16 November, 2005 21:38, Blogger Carla said...

Do you feel "normal" today?

 
At 16 November, 2005 21:43, Blogger green said...

Well not really. Still hurts to pee and it seems like I'm in there every half hour trying. I still have some healing to do on the inside, I think. Aside from that, I feel fine...

 
At 16 November, 2005 21:50, Blogger Carla said...

Well, take it easy! Get rest and DRINK LOTS OF LIQUID!

Get better soon.

 
At 16 November, 2005 22:36, Blogger constant rain said...

Yikes! Sorry, man. Feel better, and take care of yourself. :(

 
At 17 November, 2005 05:46, Blogger DaBich said...

Carla! You hit the nail on the head, lady! If men were to bear children, humanity would perish LOL

 

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