"So Let it Be Written... So Let it Be Done"

The life and times of a real, down to earth, nice guy. A relocated New Englander formerly living somewhere north of Boston, but now soaking up the bright sun of southwestern central Florida (aka The Gulf Coast). Welcome to my blog world. Please leave it as clean as it was before you came. Thanks for visiting, BTW please leave a relevant comment so I know you were here. No blog spam, please. (c) MMV-MMXV Court Jester Productions & Bamford Communications

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I've had enough.

I give up.

Honestly I do.

My two year anniversary with eHarmony passed on July 27. When I changed checking accounts after Christmas, I managed to finagle three weeks of free membership with them, and my membership was supposed to renew on the 18th. Except that this month I didn't do it.

Let me be clear: I enjoyed being an eHarmony member. More often than not I would eagerly anticipate reviewing the six or seven new matches I'd get on a daily basis. But recently I discovered that the joy in it was no longer there. When that happened, I knew the time had come to hang it up and move on.

I still think e-harmony is the best "relationship" website out there (and I've tried most of them) and have no complaints with the number of matches I received. Nor did I have a problem with the quality of the women I actually got to communicate with. Since you have to be a paying member in order to communicate, there were very few "tire kickers" like you see all over the place on those other personals web sites...

Unfortunately, during my 2+ years of membership, I've had minimal success. A grand total of 2,877 matches were provided for me by eHarmony through their matching system. With that many matches you would think that I'd have been able to arrange a few physical meetings, right?

Nope. Not a one.

I'm not talking purely sexual encounters here, I'm talking dates. Dinner and a movie. You know, simple look her in the eye, reach my hand across the table to hold hers kind of dates. The kind of dates that lead to second, third and fourth dates - which lead to long-term relationships.

I did get to exchange emails outside of eHarmony with a handful of women. But there was only one with whom I had any extensive email conversation on a regular basis. We even exchanged phone numbers and talked weekly for about two months, sometimes more. Unfortunately, she lives outside of Portland, Oregon and I don't live anywhere near there. Along with being a single mom, she also had employment concerns and was dealing with the worry and hassle of trying to get all of the government paperwork together to bring her parents to this country permanently from Russia.

Here's a breakdown, by communication stage* of my eHarmony membership:

Of the 2,877 Closed Matches -

I reached Open Communication with 135 women (4.70%).
I reached stage 4 with 43 women (1.49%)
I reached stage 3 with 165 women (5.74%)
I reached stage 2 with 106 women (3.68%)
I reached stage 1 with 2,428 women (84.39%)

*eHarmony uses a guided communication system, graded into five communication stages.
Open Communication means that members exchange email through eHarmony.
Stage 4 means that members have exchanged three open ended questions.
Stage 3 means that members have exchanged lists of Must Haves and Can't Stands.
Stage 2 means that members have exchanged five multiple choice questions.
Stage 1 means that members have reviewed each others introductory information.

I'm not giving up on the fact that there is someone special out there for me, just that I'm not going to find her there on eHarmony. Not now, anyway.

Am I holding out for the right woman?

Absolutely. I know she's out there somewhere.

I've been married once, which didn't work out as I envisioned, even though I have two beautiful kids from that relationship. I know a successful marriage takes a lot of hard work and the rewards are worth it. I made some mistakes the first time, probably was way too immature and took it for granted. Should I ever get the chance to be married again, I won't make the same mistakes I did the first time, I can promise you that. And distance won't be a problem, either. I'll go where I need and do whatever it takes, in order to find it.

These days long term marriages are a dying breed, but they do exist and are possible. In my family I had one set of grandparents who were just a few weeks short of their 70th anniversary when my grandmother died in 2001. The other set of grandparents were sweethearts from around 14 years of age and were married for over 45 years when my grandfather died in 1985. My parents celebrated their 39th anniversary this year. I have three sets of aunts and uncles that have been married longer than my parents have.

That's the kind of long lasting relationship I want.
It's frustrating waiting for her (I'm not getting any younger!) but it will be well worth it when all is said and done.

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At 20 August, 2007 00:48, Blogger Kayla said...

Well Green, it sounds like you gave it your best shot, and did pretty well to boot.
I feel I'm kind of in the same boat as you are now. I know my man is out there somewhere..he may even be someone I've already met.
Don't give up! I know you won't.
Best of luck

At 20 August, 2007 10:54, Blogger green said...

Kayla: hold out as long as it takes to find the right man for you. He is out there somewhere.

You and I - we deserve the best.

And we'll get it too! (stay positive!)

At 20 August, 2007 12:31, Blogger Nick said...

You can do it brother, I just grab them by the chin and kind of hypnotise them.

At 20 August, 2007 15:22, Blogger Stephanie said...

I did all the dating sites. I tried eHarmony briefly but I didn't like the matches they were sending me. It's tough for a woman out there!

I ended up meeting my man through my blog, on MySpace. Last year we were both blogging and we became fans of each other's writing. Everyone who read my writing and his writing said we belonged together and eventually I got past the distance (he's in Boston, I'm in Nashville) and went for it. Before him, the only other guy I ever met that I really liked, I also met on MySpace. There are a lot of single female bloggers over there...

At 20 August, 2007 16:00, Blogger green said...

nick: thanks for the advice...

steph: It's tough out there for a man, too. believe me.

so is your man still living in Boston? How do you deal with the distance now? Did you fall in love with him before you actually met in person for the first time? How did you handle that initial meeting?

These are all questions I've pondered while trying all of these different "dating" sites, even eHarmony. These days, I do think the internet is a viable way to meet someone, but you just have to be careful. There are a lot of weird people out there.

At 21 August, 2007 11:03, Blogger Stephanie said...

I always say I fell in love with him through his words, but that's the sappy romantic in me. I feel I fell for him from the inside out. Since we met there are three other blogging couples who seem to be working out fairly well. I daresay most of them probably fell for each other the same way -- inside out.

But yes, I completely know what you are talking about. That physical connection is hard to determine when you meet first online. I think it is possible to fall for someone's voice and heart and soul before ever seeing each other, but that chemistry is tough. You can get way too involved and then be disappointed when there is no physical chemistry. It's just hard to meet people in general, honestly.

At 21 August, 2007 13:22, Blogger DaBich said...

I met many wonderful people from first chatting on line. But my hubby I met at work. :)

Hang in there Green, she is there for you!

At 22 August, 2007 15:24, Blogger JLee said...

I used to belong to a service (not EHarmony) and it didn't work out too well for me. Sometimes when you're not looking is when you find that special one :) Don't give up!

At 22 August, 2007 15:38, Blogger green said...

steph: you've helped to confirm what I suspected - it is possible to fall in love with someone before meeting them physically first. I'm not crazy...

d: I know she is.

jlee: don't worry, I'm mot giving up entirely, just changing course a bit...

At 30 August, 2007 20:57, Blogger Constant said...

Yeah hang in there! :) Just trying to spread some positive energy!

Take care.


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